Monday, April 19, 2010

The Lord Who Heals…Yahweh Rophe

PrayerBibleStudy

 

"and said, 'If you diligently heed the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in His sight, give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have brought on the Egyptians. For I am the Lord who heals you.'"  ~ Exodus 15:26 (NKJV)

I begin today and this week study of His name Yahweh Rophe (yah-WEH ro-FEH) with Ann’s prayer:

“Yahweh Rophe, I bow before You today to acknowledge that You are not only my Creator but the Lord who heals me.  Please heal me today, body and soul, and do the same for my loved ones.  I pray that You will heal whatever is bitter in our lives, transforming us in ways that glorify You.”

AMEN!

To read today's study portion click here.  You can find all of our readings in the archives on that site.  If you would like me to email you a direct link to all past and future readings.  

I have not been able to write this post because I have been crying most of the morning.   Our study completely has been wrecking me.  Each name has come just in time – His timing is ALWAYS perfect.  This name and all that it means is everything I needed today.  Remember I don’t read ahead – I study it with you. So as you learn – so do I.

God brought a new friend into my life through blogging – again in His perfect timing.  Her wisdom and courage to be transparent has blessed me deeply.  If you check out my adoption blog you will glean wisdom from her too, as a parent.  You don’t have to adopt to gain wisdom and learn how to use it to glorify God.   Over the weekend Courtney and I have spent time getting to know one another via email.  I look forward to hearing her voice and her love over the phone as I imagine it from her words so beautifully shared on her blog.

Last night I felt a tug on my heart to read all of Laura’s posts on parenting an adopted older child.  I spent a few hours soaking in her experiences and wisdom.  I will be sharing her posts on the adoption blog over the next few weeks as well. 

I pray you will share this blog with your friends who have adopted and those you know who are in process of adopting.  Trust me friends, this is what many need to read – that they are NOT alone.  Guess what parents who are not adopting need to read this too – because I can almost guarantee one thing – most of us were not raised in the perfect home where we learned how to be the godly example for our own children.  We need to disciple one another and share our experiences to build each other up.  I know one other thing for sure – being a Mom is THE hardest job on earth.  There is nothing with more responsibility than being a parent!  We will all stand before God one day – and I hope to only hear, “good job, well done, My faithful servant.”   Am I serving my children in a way that honors God and glorifies Him?  Am I serving our children in a way that they will desire to follow when they are parents?  Scott often reminds me, “we are parenting our grandchildren.”

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Then this morning I woke up beyond sad.  A deep ache in my heart to go to a whole new level of trust with my children and God.  To go where I have not allowed myself to go before with them and with myself.   Maybe ever!

I’m not sure how to write this post without crying.  Without feeling so vulnerable and so I ask that before you go on – you take a moment and pray for me and this amazing journey to parent 9 blessings.   Pray for my heart to cling to His truths about me and all that He has so faithfully done in my life.  Pray for my marriage as this will greatly effect how I receive and give love from this day forward.

Before I begin – you should know I am beyond blessed to have our 9 children.  They amaze me and teach me more than I ever thought I could learn in a lifetime about love, forgiveness and trust.  Not to mention obedience and how they choose to honor us by doing it with grace.  Not perfectly but always when it counts the most!

I’m not looking for compliments – simply come alongside of me and pray for my heart that so wants to let go and let God heal all the places that I have kept hidden and all to myself.

In June I will be walking with God and Jesus as my Lord for five years.   You can read some of my testimony on my about me page. I pulled out posts that touch on my life since saying Yes to God.  You will quickly learn – that I know how to trust and obey God now.  I don’t do either of them perfectly – but I have come a LONG way and by His grace will grow each and every day in my desire to do them well!   What I have yet to master is love.

How do I love and receive love – if I was never loved as a child, taught to love by my parents or shown what love looked like?  How do I love the way God asks if my marriage before Him was anything but love in action?  How do I love my children in a way that honors God and them?  How do I teach them to love each other?  How do I love from my heart and not my mind?  I have been asking these questions privately for five years now.

Well, today God broke open the flood gates for these questions to be answered through His healing.  This morning I sat before my children – actually while they all sat at our school table waiting for me to teach them…I got down on my knees.  I wanted to be in the most humble position before them.  I wanted them to see me – not standing above them or even at the same level as them – but broken before them. I wanted them to watch me humble myself before God and them.  Before I could even get any words out I started to cry.

They immediately asked in the most gentle voices, “what is wrong?”  I said, “please let me finish and when I am done I will answer any question you may have.”  You see my children rarely see me cry.   I don’t really share that emotion too often and not usually in front of anyone.  That would mean letting you in and trusting you with my heart.  That would mean letting myself feel completely vulnerable in your care.  And sadly my heart has been crushed by too many people in this lifetime to give it without fear of rejection or worse yet you making fun of my pain.   Or saying I don’t have enough faith.   My problem isn’t faith, trust or obedience – it is letting my knowledge become wisdom in this most delicate of places – my heart! Holding any area from God – especially this one – has only hurt me more – my believing I could control if I get hurt has hurt myself and my family – because I have kept them in the same box I put God in – close enough to love them – but far enough away not to get hurt by them. 

My fear of giving my heart to anyone has hurt my family without them even realizing it.  None of what I am sharing is a surprise to Scott – we have spoken in length about this and how trusting God completely will help heal this area for good.  When I think about what I have done – it seems so ridiculous.  I have kept myself from feeling love – because I fear it will be taken away from me.  I don’t want to ever be rejected again.  So I have tried to control who I love and how much of their love I let into my heart.   It is easy for me to give but almost impossible to receive it.  This whole situation is mixed up in my mind and sounds even crazier writing it out.   I know yet I do not do… 

So the following words spilled out of my heart…

“I am sorry.  I am sorry for not loving you the way God wants a Mommy to love you.  I am sorry for not always having the right words to say or the right way to teach you things.  I am sorry for hurting you and not showing you the true love of our perfect Father.  I am sorry but I will mess up again. Probably today.  But I want you to know that I love you no matter what you do.  No matter how many times you lie to me.  I still love you.  No matter how many times you steal from me.  I will still love you.  No matter how many times you disobey me. I will still love you.  No matter how many times you choose the wrong way.  I will still love you.”

“There is nothing you can do that will stop me from loving you.  You can’t do anything to change that I love you.  It is a fact.  I love you, you, you and you.  I love because I love you.  Not because you do anything right or good. I simply love you.”

“When I was a little girl, I didn’t have a Mom and Dad who loved me.  I didn’t grow up feeling safe to make mistakes.  I know now that my Mom did love me – she just didn’t know how to do it the way a child can grow up feeling loved.  She did the best she could.  Because I never felt loved as a child – I grew up not really knowing what love felt like.  Because I grew up without seeing two parents love each other – through good and bad times – I didn’t know what it meant to love forever.   Because I grew up without feeling loved – I made many mistakes and those mistakes have kept me from giving my heart fully and completely to God and all of you.  I am sorry.”

“I don’t want to ever hurt you again because I fear you may not love me anymore.  I pray you will always love me and choose to be in my life.  I pray that you will look to God and not to me or Daddy.  I pray you will seek His truth about love and learn how to live by His love each and every single day of your lives.  I pray you will choose to obey me because you love me.  Not because I told you to obey me.  I pray you will love each other not because we tell you it is the right thing to do – but because you want to obey and honor God.  I pray you will love each other through your words – not because I told you it was right – but because you know the truth and His word says it is what you should do.”

“When you disobey me, lie to me, take things that don’t belong to you, hurt each other with words or your hands – I get hurt inside.  And my job is not to allow that hurt to come out in how I parent each of you.  Because if I let that come out – then I’m teaching you the wrong way.  I’m teaching you my love comes with a condition – instead of what I know to be true about God.  Nothing any of us can do will EVER stop Him from loving us.  Yes, it grieves God when we sin against Him.  Yes, it grieves my heart when you choose to do the things you know are not right.   We all reap what we sow – and the consequences of our choices will always follow.  If you sow love –you will reap love.  If you sow lying – you will reap my distrust in the things you tell me.  However, that doesn’t change the fact that I love you.  Nor does it change the fact that God loves us.”

“I want to love you like Christ loves you.  I want to love each of you like God loves you.   God sent Jesus to die for you.   He loves you each so much that He trusted Mommy to care for you His way.  I am sorry for doing it mine and asking of you something that is not yours to give me.   What I pray you choose to give me is your heart. I will honor it.  I will care for it.  I promise to you that I will seek God first on how to tend to it so that each of you will grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord.  I will help you learn to honor Him with your words and actions…with grace.  His not mine.   I pray you will honor my heart and be kind and gentle with it – knowing I too am walking by faith from this day forward with each of you holding onto His hand to see us through.  Because His love never fails.  He who begun this good work will finish it.  Because I love Him.  Because He loves me.  Because I love you.  Because He loves you too.”

“I have forgiven my parents.  I love them.  I am not angry at them for anything they did.  I pray they will come to Jesus like all of us.  I forgive all of you too.  I pray you will forgive me too.”  All together they said, “We forgive you Mom.  We love you too.”

I was unable to stop from crying at this point – excused myself from them.  Asked them to pray for each other and me – while I went upstairs to cry out to God and then to Scott. 

I don’t think I ever took the time needed to heal – really allow healing in since coming to know Jesus as my Lord.   I allowed 7 adoptions and all that needed to get them home to be my focus.  I allowed anything to be my focus – because having to look deep inside at my own childhood and how empty I was of knowing how to parent each of them – was just too hard.  We read books on parenting.  We put into practice what seemed right.   We saw positive changes.  So why look at my own life and how I respond to their choices?  Why?  Because if I really want to be honest and authentic with them and anyone else – I need to go deep with God and trust Him in a whole new way.  I need to let His love fully overwhelm me!  All of me.  Today is the beginning of me learning how to love and receive it! 

You see – I am broken – maybe differently than you.  But like you I have sinned and fallen short over and over again of the glory of God.   Thus the gift of grace and knowing it is enough.  I will press into God and seek Him with all that I am knowing I can trust in Him to see me through this too.  I will obey Him and love our children in a new way – because His way is truth and life! 

I don’t have the answers – but I know who does.  My God!  My Lord!  My Healer.  Today for the first time in my life I believe healing is mine to claim and my heart has fewer walls around it.  Soon I pray they are all gone – because I am asking God today to show me what walls are left for me to give over to His tender, loving, faithful care. 

Are you ready for the Healer (Yahweh Rophe) to mend the brokenness of your life?  He is faithful and will do it!  Trust and obey His call to give your life to Him.  Let Him be Lord (Adonai) of your life – it is the best decision you will ever make!

New-Siggy

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