Thursday, April 26, 2012

Just Like That…

I changed my mind.

Which changed my heart.

Which changed my course in life.

Which changed my dreams.

Which changed my entire life.

Just like that.

Well, after changing my mind and having it change my heart and life – I began to see how all the little steps I chose along the way were helping me truly find my way. 

As I look back over the last two years and see how many of my choices have effected exactly where I am today, I can’t help but think I simply must choose once again the change I so desperately am seeking to find.

Are you following along?  Sheesh nothing like a circular conversation – right?   I’ll try to get to the point.  Stick with me here.

And so I did it again…

changed

That’s exactly what happened last weekend.   I woke up and let all the emotions pour through me and out of me.   I decided that was it, no more feeling this way and I am determined to find my way back to where I once was, but not who I once was.    Because I am not that same woman I was before I faced all the challenges I have.   I can’t undo any of them, nor do I want to.   Every single one of them has helped mold me into the woman I am today.   I may not feel fully comfortable in the me today, but I’m not choosing the steps I take or make based on feelings.  I’m making them based on my faith in Him.

God brought me to it and through it.   I have NO right to keep complaining to myself or anyone else for that matter about where He lead me and has me today.   It is all part of His perfect plan for me – to give me a future of hope.   Not in myself and what I desire.  But in Him and the plans He has prepared for me that will be good for me and bring upon His glory. 

The more I resist His plans, His way, and His truth – the longer I truly force myself to suffer and allow others to be effected by my selfish desires.   I think in my post the other day when I shared some very raw emotions I might have mislead some of you and for that I apologize.

I do NOT believe for a second that how I have behaved or reacted to the circumstances around me was done in the best way I could have.   I am not condemning myself either.   I feel convicted and rightfully so.  I believe in being accountable for our actions.   We are serving and  loved by a holy, perfect, and faithful God.  How can I possibly profess I love Him and yet reject all that He says is good for me?   How can I possibly say I trust in Him, believe in Him, and desire to obey Him, and yet my actions for the last six months especially say nothing of the sort? 

I allowed myself to speak lies to myself and others – by sharing the negative stuff and how hard it is to raise 9 children (for me) – I was denying the truth.   The truth is, it is hard.   Very hard to deal with so many challenges day in and day out, over and over again.   But that doesn’t mean that I should ever allow their challenges to become a challenge for me.   Nor should I allow their choices to steal my joy, peace, and hope.   Nor should I ever allow it to stop me from being able to give and receive love, and discipline solely in love.  

The truth is I have failed.  I’m not a failure.  But I have failed to trust in God and His promises.  I failed to do it His way.   So now I’m reaping what I sowed – the pain of my pride is right before me.  

But just like that – I made a choice.   A better choice.   My actions will match my heart and beliefs.   It won’t happen or get fixed over night.  But I can certainly do something every single day to make my way there and stay on the right path.   Not mine.   But His. 

I have a choice – to bloom where I am or to die inside and never fully receive the blessings He has already given me.   Am I really willing to live another day feeling that way?   The answer is 100% NO!  

My feelings may not match up to my faith in God for a while and I may not like His plans either.  But that doesn’t change His truth, His way, and His love for me.  

Just like that…I am no longer blind and I can see.  Once again the TRUTH HAS SET ME FREE!  My Savior is calling me, His lost sheep to come back into the pasture with Him where it is green enough, good enough, and has all I need right there beside Him.  

The beauty in all of this is that I only need to seek to know Him and love Him, and allow Him to do the rest.

Come taste and see just how God good is with me…I promise you will be full to the brim with peace, joy, hope, and love.  

I’ll see you in the pasture.

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