I originally wrote this post 8.18.08. As I being this new journey of blogging I look forward to sharing all of the posts I have written over the last 3.5 years on marriage. I pray they encourage and inspire you to surrender it all to Him, knowing He is more than enough to heal, mend, build, strengthen, and restore any marriage (well beyond what you could dare to ask or imagine possible)!
Then He said to them all,
In everything, do you trust Him? I don't.
Will you allow Him in every area of your life? I haven't.
Have you laid down your life and given all of it back to Him? I haven't.
Have you truly accepted His forgiveness, mercy and grace upon your life? I haven't!
Have you opened your heart to accept His truth and promises - not your own? I'm afraid!
The book of Job deals with this very topic deeply, insightfully and leaves me feeling refreshed knowing as I too wrestle with all of this I can lean right into the word of God to find my strength.
Job 39:11 says: Will you trust him because his strength is great? Or will you leave your labor to him?
Like Job I have given God my heart, my love and even my life - but since I don't trust myself I won't give it all to Him. Gosh, is that the weirdest thing you have ever read or what? I don't trust myself so I don't trust God! HUH??? That is exactly what I think as I write it, read it and say it truthfully to myself. I'm afraid to trust myself to stay the course, not give up, to fall into an old pattern again, to shut down when it gets to hard or painful, and because of that I have held back areas from God.
Oh my goodness, what have I been thinking. Lord, please forgive me for my lack of faith, for my unbelief, my lack of trust I put in You and for putting You in any kind of box that works for me, my way and not Yours! Lord, grow my faith, belief and ability to put all of my trust in You and completely not in me. As Job answered the LORD and said: I too pray
40:4 “ Behold, I am vile; What shall I answer You? I lay my hand over my mouth. 5 Once I have spoken, but I will not answer; Yes, twice, but I will proceed no further.”
Oh I know the verses - Proverbs 3:5-6 by heart! - Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
Psalm 18:30 says: As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the LORD is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him.
My fear of taking the risk to trust Him fully has left me stuck in an area of my life that can never go where God wants it until I see the place He wants to take me is worth more than holding onto the fear! In my mind I have convinced myself that if I completely trust Him in this one area I might get so hurt that I won't be able to take it. I have been hurt so many times trusting others that the thought of going there with Him and maybe being let down is just too scary for me. Then I have to ask myself the hardest question, do I trust God to sustain me through any pain that will come from trusting in the person who can hurt me the most as I walk by faith? This too is more scary than I will allow myself to ponder.
Why can't I trust God 100% with my life, heart, mind and soul? Why do I fight Him so much in this one area? Why can't I let go - like I would with a friend standing behind me saying I will catch you? Why won't I reach for the next level of intimacy with Him, my husband and family? Why - because I'm afraid to trust where it matters the most, deep within my heart.
Time and time again God has shown Himself more than faithful with me. Time and time again He has carried me through with His sustaining grace in areas of my life that fear held me so tightly. Yet, this one area scares me to no end and now I'm letting go. I'm going to do it. I am going to risk it all for LOVE! I'm going to risk it all so that I can have what I have yet to experience in this lifetime - agape love. The kind that wants the best first for the other person and knows the more you give the more you receive in return.
Yet, if I don't trust what will I gain by refusing? NOTHING! I get nothing and the situation can never change and I certainly can't grow in faith, belief or my trust in Him. I certainly can't have deep intimate relationships that are 100% honest with anyone if I don't go to this very place now with God. My marriage can't grow and will never reflect God's heart to our children either. How sad! I have cried so much as I write this and prayed about it sharing it. I'm afraid to bear my soul naked before you all - why? Because it means I have to put my trust in others.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I have this note on my corkboard next to my desk - A blueprint for achievement...the very first one says: Believe.....while others are doubting.
That is all Jesus and God ask of us - is to believe. Simply believe. Put our minds on Him, meditate on whatever is true, noble, good and lovely! God's promises and our belief = peace, joy and love that endures all things!
I want to experience love that endures all things. I want to experience a marriage that reflects the heart of Jesus in ways others can see, feel and follow - as we are following Him! I want to enjoy my precious gift given to me that I have been so afraid to open; to see the heart that is deep inside of him! I want to relish in the love God has placed in his heart and experience what it feels like to see God in his eyes, held in his arms and listen to his heart speak to me. I don't want to be afraid to love like that anymore. To conquer that I'm going to need to trust in God and God alone. Why? Because the pain from the past is satan's favorite tool to try and stop me from trusting God's ability to work in this area of my lifetoday. I'm not going to give the power to satan any longer. It is my choice to trust God or listen to lies of a fool. It is my choice to listen to the truths of God or allow my mind to hold me back in the past which I can't change or fix. It is my choice to trust God and walk in those truths or be held back by any part of me that has not let go or forgiven something from a month ago, or worse yet three years ago. I have to choose to stop punishing myself and my marriage for things of the past. I need to believe and trust in His promises, His faithfulness and die to self every day, every moment so He can live in me and through me.
Psalm 5:11 says: But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name Be joyful in You.
I love my life! I love the man God has given me to love, enjoy, learn from, help and support! I love my children! I love being their Mom! I love God and the fact that He won't give up on me even when I have deserved for Him to simply shake His hands free from the dirty mess I have left myself in for so long! I love God for giving us a way to Him, through His Son - so that we can be forgiven yesterday, today and tomorrow! I love God for leaving us His-story and how it speaks so boldly to my life, heart and soul today! Now is the time to start living out my belief by giving it all to Him!
Psalm 9:10 And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.
I am dying to trust in You God - work in my unbelief, my inability to trust completely, my lack of faith and inability to conquer this fear of letting go of my life, and holding on to any piece of control of my life!
All I have to do is:
I may not get it right today - but I will surely be able to reflect week after week on how You and You alone are God - who can and will work all things out for Your glory. May this trial of dying to self in this area bring forth fruit for all to see - especially my sweet, blessing of a husband who has called upon Your name for my love. Love him Lord! Use me to speak about Your truths of love to our children, family and friends. Let today be just the beginning of how You speak this truth to my heart - that I can trust You! That this trust will be the lamp unto my feet! My faith and obedience to do Your will and not my own will bear the reflection of Your son - that is my prayer.
You have me right where You need me - humbled knowing I have nothing to give! I have finally come to the end of my rope, my strength and my resources to love and trust. I want to draw from your endless supply of both and the power they yield. My prayer is that sharing all that I have today, made sense and touches others to reach past their pain, fears and trust in the One who will never let them down - YOU! Our lives may not always look like we expect, desire or want - but when You are in control it will always turn out better than we could ever imagine.
May you all reflect upon His truths and let them speak deeply to your heart. May you know it is by His grace that we are saved and by grace we shall live each day - using His resources not our own. His grace is sufficient for our every need. I hope very soon my answers to the questions above will all be - I have and it is GOOD!
PS – Over the next several months you will get a look into my journey of surrendering our marriage completely to God. You will see how far God has taken me and yet, how far I still have to go!