Today, begins a very important journey for me.
I am opening up all the places inside that have remained broken and filled with sorrow, pain, regret, disappointment, anger, frustration, loneliness, discouragement, and great loss. I am facing my fears and worries head on like never before. I am not leaving them alone one more day to play havoc in my life ever again. I thought much of my past had been truly laid to rest and fully dealt with, but through my time with the horses and working with a wonderful counselor I found that my heart is too full of the past to embrace and rejoice in my present. Truths that needed to be uncovered were shoved down so deep I thought I could simply forget about them. But as I was so lovingly reminded, they are like land mines and one never knows when they may step upon it and the pain will be as fresh as the day it all happened.
I have kept myself so busy over the last eight years with adopting seven children, parenting them, meeting their needs, and trying to meet the needs of my husband, that I forgot to truly take care of me along the way. Our children are all a blessing, yet, many brought so much pain with them. Pain much bigger than me or us. Pain so overwhelming that it brought up things in my own life and caused me to shove my own feelings deeper still. Pain that began to eat away at me and slowly bit by bit was eating away the roots that held our marriage together. I could no longer ignore all that was right before me and us.
A week ago, my dear friend Jenny and I spent an hour discussing my intentional difference. This talk helped open doors I closed long ago but never truly dealt with. Then situations and circumstances happened as the days went on and my eyes have seen that my defense mechanisms to just keep going were truly stopping me from moving anywhere that I hoped to journey in life. The very peace I crave and need to truly heal from my own painful past, would remain outside my grip. I had to do something to change that. Now is the time.
Not one moment in the past three years and especially the last six months has been an accident. Every single moment has lead up to this point where I would finally be broken so much that I couldn’t move on without learning to let go of the baggage I still carry upon my back and shoulders.
I bought myself a fresh journal filled with empty pages waiting for me to let go of the words that strangle me and hold me in a time that I can no longer allow to define me. I am not the girl, teen, young woman, or woman I once was. I am about to turn 45 years old in three weeks and I will not live the second half of my life as I have the first! I will live it every day as God intended for me – filled with His hope, joy, peace, and love. In order to get there I must allow Him into the places which need His healing touch.
It will not be easy. I anticipate this to be one of the hardest things I have done personally. But I AM WORTH IT! I am a survivor of abuse. I will not be a victim of it one more day. I will overcome it and be victorious so that our children don’t live under it or fall prey to it in any way. I want our marriage so full of grace, joy, peace, and love. That is a full time commitment and I must be whole, healed, and able to live in the moment to get there. My husband and I are both making the commitment to get there together! I can’t imagine doing this life and walking through the healing we must, alone. So thankful he will be with me every step of the way.
The following quote is going to be written as my second entry in my journal. I will reread it every day to remind me that everything in life begins with a choice. I will not be choosing shame or guilt one more day. I have lived under them far to long.
A few days ago I read this quote on FB and knew exactly which photo to use that embodies the words of Erich Fromm.
From personal experience I know this quote is truth undeniable.
Love is a verb.
Love doesn’t grow and grow by accident. It is a constant and consistent choice to love. Love doesn’t wait for love to come ones way. Love acts first with the knowing that eventually it will win. Because love always does. Love in itself is not enough. Love must be multiplied by repeating it over and over again. Love begins and ends with one word sacrifice. To know love is to give up a part of oneself to others. It is a willingness to let go of the most sacred parts of ourselves – the human heart and soul. To trust it to others and even when the risk may not seem worth it, love remains and carries on. True love that is. Love without the chains of shame or guilt. Love without expectations of constant gain and reward. Love without the constant need to be given more than it is giving. Love without holding one accountable for your joy, happiness, hope, and peace. Where can we get this kind of love and give it – from the endless love of our Savior. God is love. No if, ands, or buts. His love wins. Because in it there is no selfishness, motives, or sinfulness. It is void of all that we have placed upon love. THANK GOD for that. My love will fail. So will yours. But His love will conquer every where that yours has missed. As I place my heart, soul, hope, and trust in God alone to carry me through this journey to healing – I will be filled with love every single day to share with those I care about the most. I will have an overflow for those who enter my life. I will have overflow for the lost, lonely, and hurting. His love never stops giving and once I am empty of all that I have allowed to fill me – it will become the very breath I take. Love will become natural to me. Love will be my first reaction versus my second or last. Love will become my heartbeat and strength. Love will become who I am.
I look forward to the day I can say, “love won.” I look forward to the day I can say, “my heart is full of joy, peace, hope, and love.” I look forward to the day where I can look in the mirror and say without any negative words coming first, “you are worth the love you give and receive.”
As my heart feels safe to share, more words will fill the pages of this blog as I journey to my own personal freedom of a past that will never define me again!
To those reading this post today, thank you for holding my heart and journey sacred. Your prayers are coveted and greatly appreciated.
I pray that as you read my story of victory, that you will choose the same for yourself. It is not too late. Today, is the perfect day to begin walking towards a whole new you. You are worth it! I would love to read your story or join you in prayer. Feel free to email me or share what feels right in the comments below. Your willingness to share may be the start of another woman’s freedom from abuse.