Sometimes I feel like I can see past what is right before me.
Sometimes I feel like I’m walking in the deepest cave where there is not a drop of light.
Sometimes I feel like the path has been moved at every turn and I can’t focus on the very step I am about to take.
Sometimes I feel like everything around me is spinning out of control.
Sometimes I feel like the world has gone on without me.
I may be moving but it sure doesn’t seem to be at the same pace as everyone else.
I’m learning to see even when nothing seems clear.
I’m learning to walk, even though all I want to do is crawl, because being on the ground would sure be a safer way to go.
Or would it?
I want to close my eyes so tightly and when I open them everything is back to normal. Clear. In focus. Safe. Sure.
That is how I go to sleep each night, hoping that tomorrow I will wake up and I will be able to see past the circumstances we are facing.
But the truth is, I won’t. The circumstances are not changing any time soon.
The pain we all feel is real. The hurt runs deep.
With all hard things, healing takes time.
As time continues to move on, I’m learning to see.
I’m learning to see what was and what is. How they are so incredibly different. How they will never be the same.
I’m learning to see that it is OK to feel lost in this new terrain, where everything is so unfamiliar to me.
I’m learning to see that it is OK to feel unsure of how to create a new normal and allow time to lead the way to what that will look like.
I’m learning to be OK with learning to see.
I’m learning to be OK when my flesh is screaming to be heard and fighting my heart, soul, and mind with everything it has.
I’m learning to be OK with not being OK!
I’m learning to see God in a new way, and that my friends is scary. Because I have been saying, “no to God and what He has allowed into our lives.”
I have said no to Him in my disobedience to what He has asked of me. I have said no to walking by faith, because I have felt so abandoned in His leading me to this very moment.
I’m learning to see God NOT through my circumstances, but through who I believe Him to be.
Which means I must once again surrender myself in full humility to even this road He has us on with joy.
I have yet to say yes to that.
I am not ready.
He knows that.
He will wait.
He will keep bringing those into my life to remind me of His goodness, mercy, peace, hope, and love when I have yet to see that in any way during this season.
He will give me time to say, “yes Lord, even to this.”
As I learn to see His goodness, faithfulness, and love in our circumstances – would you take a moment to pray for my heart to see past all that was, is and might be? That I would seek Him knowing He will somehow, some way, make beauty from these ashes.
I am mourning the dreams I had for my life and our family. My dreams were shattered and now I need to grab a hold of His plans without resenting them, and forgetting my wants for His will. My human heart has been so insufficient and I can’t see clearly on this path.
So God, as I am learning to see…
And to all who are out there learning to see past your circumstances, remember this…