Monday, October 14, 2013

I Struggle

via | live life happy

Welcome into my mind.

A place where my heart reveals its deepest cares.

I struggle.

I struggle with how much to share here.

I struggle with putting my heart out for all to see.

You see, I began this blog with one hope, that my journey would inspire others (hopefully one) to choose to surrender it all to God…as I choose to do the same thing.   No matter what.  Over and over again. 

I struggle with not being able to sit across a table from each of you and look you into the eyes sharing how hard life can be, and the blessing  that comes from knowing you were heard and you are deeply loved.  

I know for a fact I’m not alone in how I feel about all that I’m about to share.   For me that is the beauty in sharing, so others will know it is OK to doubt, question, and fight to find their way right back to center {safe in the arms of the One who knew you from the moment your life began}.

I struggle with life.

You know how hard it is.

Growing up was hard.

Parenting is hard.

Adopting seven children internationally was hard.

What they brought into our lives was hard.

And so, I struggle with life.

I struggle with how painful the last six months have been.




I struggle with the intensity of that pain and simply letting it go.

You see, I’m the one you want to be in battle with.   You want me standing right next to you.  Or better yet, I’ll go before you even. 


When the battle is over.   I simply struggle.

My body doesn’t know how to let go of every detail that it stood so strongly against.

I struggle with how people tend to judge, instead of seeking to understand.

I struggle with how hard it is to move away from friends and how impossible it is to make new ones at my age.

I struggle with how lonely it can be raising this many children without friends and family near-by.

I struggle with how hard it is to walk by faith despite the reality of my circumstances.

I struggle with how others are uncomfortable with allowing you the time it takes to heal from those circumstances.

I struggle with being a Christian.

Because I allow the hypocrisy of those who call Him Lord, yet dress, act, talk, and treat others like they have no clue who He is, to stumble me. 

I don’t get how everything must be ok, or we might offend someone.  

I don’t get how we have reduced the gospel into anything other than what it is, THE TRUTH, THE WAY, and THE LIFE!

And I’m sorry but that can be seriously offensive when you are allowing it humble you and mold you.

“The chief danger of the 20th century will be religion without the Holy Spirit, Christianity without Christ, forgiveness without repentance, salvation without regeneration, politics without God, and heaven without hell.”
― William Booth


I struggle with how weak my body is because of the stress it has endured for way too long.

Despite how well I take care of myself, I struggle with the reality that I am now living with Grave’s Disease and what it is doing to my body and life.

I may struggle with this new reality, but I will not succumb to it.   I have done hours of research on how to heal my thyroid naturally and you can bet I’m going to do everything I can to DO IT!


Healing.  #lethopein


I struggle with surrendering all of this to God.  

Because my heart is torn in two places right now and I must choose THE TRUTH, THE WAY, and THE LIFE – or I must choose to try and navigate this life on my own.

Let’s just say navigating this on my own won’t be a wise idea.   I need prayer and lots of it.  

I’m so blessed that despite how much I struggle, my husband is always right by my side.

I’m blessed by his wisdom and discernment.

Which he took hours today to share with me. 

“Jill, you and I have walked a very hard road.   I understand your feelings and anger towards God.  You know I have faced them too.  It is OK to have them and God can take it.  But you must choose to walk in your belief, or to walk away.  You can’t have it both ways.   We can’t serve two masters and God wants 100% of our hearts no matter what.”

He then shared some great examples with me:

“How does a ballet dancer become a prima ballerina?” he asked.

“Years of hard work, tons of sacrifice, a willingness to keep learning and the desire to perfect her craft”, I answer.

“How does a person become a doctor?” he asked.

“Years of study, determination, hard work, sacrifice, and perseverance”, I said.

“Does any of that come easy?” he asked.

“No”, I said.

“Then why should our lives be any different?  To become more like Christ we must be willing to do the hard work, to sacrifice our will for His, and to persevere even during the hardest of times.   Because God is working all things out for our good, and His glory”, he said.

I love how he shared all of that in love and kindness, knowing how fragile my heart is right now.

I love how he wants me to chase after God like I did before our lives were turned upside down.




It’s that simple. 

I need Jesus.

My struggles truly can go away when I shift my thoughts from I can’t take anymore, please show me mercy;  to whatever, whenever, I’m grateful for everything in my life today, this will all work out, and it will be for my good.   When I allow my heart to truly believe what Jesus tells about His Father, then my heart will no longer struggle to have joy, peace, hope, and laughter.  

Here is what Jesus tells us about God the Father.

I either believe God is love.   Or I don’t.

I either believe God is good all of the time.   Or I don’t.

I either believe God is for me.  Or I don’t.

I either believe God will not forsake me.  Or I don’t.

I can choose to struggle with my belief in what I know is true or I can simply find rest in the truth. 

I’m going to continue to take one day at a time, moment by moment and even minute by minute as my faith is fully restored in me.   Because I would rather find out at the end of my life that God is and I chose Him.   Instead of finding out that He is and I walked away.

No matter what struggles you face in life, I pray you will surrender them all to God and allow Him to heal you as only He can, in His way, and in His timing.  



  1. Your struggles aren't falling on deaf ears my friend, the Lord hears them and so do we...your friends. Thank you for sharing your life...without knowing it, you're helping many! Stand steady, be humble and, keep fighting for your health, your spirit, your family and your faith!

  2. ((Hugs)) so sorry Jill. There are good people in the world and you will I promise see some of the wrongs become right. There are those that will disappoint you and hurt you but I have found when I think of who I am in Christ what others do or say doesn't bother me as much as it once did. Please don't think I know your situation or I'm not being compassionate to you. I have too walked through some deep pits of hell too. I do have the choice to not dwell in it and can only control my attitude and efforts to the situations. I will be praying for some peace , joy, and health for you (:

  3. Thanks for sharing your heart dear Jill. We all definitely deal with doubts, struggles, anger, hurt, disappointment ...

    You are so blessed to have a servant leader for a husband to stand by you and guide you through this season.

    You are loved by so many!

  4. What a beautiful post. I'm sorry you're struggling...but thank you for sharing your heart...


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