Counting the Cost of Adoption {Good Parenting and Love are Not Enough Part II}

Last Friday, I shared part one of counting the cost of adoption here.  Please read it before you dive into this post. 

Today, I’m going to share the depth of how our family and hundreds of others have counted the cost in silence.   Why in silence?   Because too many people around us don’t understand what it feels like to live out your faith no matter how hard it may get and not call it quits!   Nor do they want to hear you complain about something you prayed for, worked for, and were told by 90% of the people in your life not to do (especially seven times).

Now that we got that out of the way.

Let me begin with the following.   In no way have I ever wanted anyone to believe that we have it all together.  Goodness, that is completely a false picture of life for a family this size. 

Here I am on Mother’s Day with our nine beautiful and amazing blessings. 

 

Yes, it helps that I am extremely organized and happen to have found my groove in cooking organic grain/gluten/dairy free dishes for this many people every single day.  Yes, I am able to share beautiful photographs of our children and their incredibly unique personalities.

 

 

Yes, we have found joy, laughter, and a rhythm that works for our family over the years.  Friends that took time and lots of hard work (not to mention mini melt-downs on my part along the way).   I have shared many times over the last seven and half years how hard it is parenting adopted children.   Over the years it has gotten harder, not easier.  Not because we aren’t good enough parents.  Not because we haven’t loved our children enough.  Trust me, I have wanted to blame myself over and over again for their poor choices.  I have wanted it to be my fault.  Because if it was, I could fix it by changing me and how I parent.   Unfortunately, even with the growing I have done along the way, it was never going to be enough.  Nor would it be enough with the amazing job my husband does as a father.   The hurt we face as their parents is too deep for us to heal or fix.

 This truth remains the same no matter how you look at it:  HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE!

Children don’t necessarily intend to hurt others.  Often times they don’t even know why they hurt or want to hurt those around them.  They aren’t even capable of explaining the hurt they feel or the pain that was done to them.   Which leads to years of heartache for both the parents and the child.   Why?

Because you can’t simply figure out what is the underlying cause of their behaviors and daily poor choices.  Let me just give you the short list of things many adoptive families deal with:   lying, stealing, cheating, hitting, picking at clothes until they are falling apart, ruining shoes only days after they are purchased, ruining every single toy ever given to them, breaking things around the house,  crying/screaming (not age appropriate) when told no or given any type of consequence, refusing to answer when asked a question and giving a complete blank stare, touching every single thing and person within arms reach until they are screaming for that child to stop, hurting family pets, hurting themselves and others (physically or sexually) often times with zero remorse. 

Adopting a baby is not always easier.  Especially when it is done internationally.   Unlike a domestic adoption where all the medical history is openly shared and given to the adoptive parents…we were given nothing.   And 95% of what we were told was a lie about every single child we adopted.    From the real story of what their lives were like before being placed in foster care or an orphanage.   Only once were we told the truth about the health of a birth parent and that was given to us because she is deceased.    You adopt hoping for the best and knowing anything can happen along the way.   There are zero guarantees with any child, let alone one who was born half way around the world in unknown conditions and medical care from the time of conception until they are placed in your arms.   

For example a baby that was placed for adoption literally hours after birth can come home 8 months later and do nothing but scream for over two years.   Yes, screams like someone is hurting them every day before and after their nap, and every single night before bed.   What was done to them?   Who did it to them?   How come everything you tried never seemed to help them?   Every medical test under the sun didn’t give any answers either.   Nothing worked.  We just had to work our way through it.   And we did.   Not without complete exhaustion and lots of frustration along the way. 

 

 

 

Our journey to this point has not been easy or without many bumps along the way.   We have struggled in finding ways to parent this many children all at once.  We have struggled with finding what works for each child individually while still being true to our core beliefs in raising children to become amazing humans who love and serve God! 

For those who have been following along my blog for the past five plus years, know this…everything you have seen was real – the smiles, the joy, our children’s unbelievable ability to love another new sibling, their ability to rise above the occasion, their ability to pray for one another and all of you, their ability to sit through a four hour funeral without complaining when we all sadly said good-bye to their grandfather last year, and to stay seated through hour long meals as a family every single night.   All of it is real. 

BUT SO IS THE PAIN and STRUGGLES I have shared along the way.   The pain we face now does NOT change the love we have for each other or our children.    It has changed how we live.  It has changed how we do things around here.  But it will never steal the foundation we have built our home upon – truth and love!   We have poured years of truth into them and have taught them to obey us because they respect and love us.  

Yet, none of it could have stopped them from hurting inside or wanting to hurt others too.  

That truth is not easy to accept.  It is hard to think about when you rewind situations and all that you knew during that time.   It is hard to not go back and walk through all the “what if” scenarios.   Trust me, doing that will never change where you are today.   It won’t erase the struggles.  It won’t fix the brokenness and it can never aide in the healing your family must go through every single day.

 

  

And that my friends is the reality I had to get to very fast in the last 12 days.   No matter what warning signs I saw from the very beginning of our adoptions and meeting our children, and the things I noticed once they were home.  Nothing would prepare me for the daily choice I would have to make to live out my faith.    To love them no matter what.  To do everything I can to help them become the child God created them to be.   To shine mercy and grace.   To shine love into the darkest places deep within them…so that the bridge of trust would become the very foundation of our relationship once and for all!    Because if a child doesn’t trust you, then you can kiss healing good-bye.   If that child doesn’t believe with every fiber of their soul that you mean what you have told them (“you are our forever child” “you are our child no matter what”  “you are never going back to x,y,z”  “no one will ever hurt you again”), then they will never let you into the places where every wall has been built up like Fort Knox.  Nor will they let you see who they believe they really are, which will only hinder or completely halt you from helping them to learn and believe in the truth to silence the lies.   They live out who they believe they are from the neglect, rejection, abandonment, abuse, and lies done to them!   Unless, you are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice and love unconditionally.  

This kind of love and sacrifice will take a whole lot of courage!   You can’t give up.   You must face each day as it comes.  Taking them one moment at a time!   You must allow yourself the grace to mess up and NOT beat yourself up.  You must allow yourself to the chance to better the next day and the next.  Why?   Because a child’s life is on the line.  So is yours.  Every choice we make effects our future.   What you do today will have a direct result on tomorrow.   So dig deep inside yourself and truly look at the motives of your heart.   Then take a deep breath and begin parenting from a place of truth and love.   You will have renewed courage to face whatever mountain you must climb along your journey.   It won’t be easy.  It might never end.  But it will be worth it.   I believe that with all that I am.   Because I know that I know that I know – this journey we are on is no mistake.   It will bring out my gifts and talents in ways nothing else could.  It will make me stronger and a better person.   Which will help our family become stronger, wiser, and better people!

 

 

This is where the rubber meets the road.  This is where they watch to see if you are who you say you are.  This is where they watch and pay close attention to everything you say and do.  They are watching to see if the trust they are dying to have with you is worth the risk.   They are watching to see if you can handle their truth.   They are watching to see if you are going to reject, abandon, neglect, or shame them just like others have done too many times in their young lives!   They are watching to see if you will be the hands and feet of the very Savior you have taught them to know and love.  They are watching to see if you will be there like you promised the moment they entered your family forever.    Just know they are watching.

They may not like the consequences that come from their choices.  But trust that they are thankful you are not letting them get away with things.  That you desire to help them grow past the bad choices.   Trust that they are thankful even when they can’t tell you.   Trust that it hurts them even when they show zero remorse when they have chosen the wrong thing for the 100th time.  Trust that even when you have to get them help outside of your home, knowing that it is not forever will mean the difference between life and death of their soul.    Please don’t beat yourself up for doing the right thing  just because it might never produce the results you prayed and hoped for.   Know that it is NOT because you aren’t a good enough parent.  Not because you didn’t love enough.   But because you were willing to do the hard thing over and over again!    Love in action is not always happiness, joy, and peace.  Love in action may look very hard and sad!   Love in action may seem too much to handle.   Love in action may feel impossible.  But when you take action with truth and love as your guide – you won’t have to regret your choices along the way!  And that my friends will give you peace, joy, and hope for your families future!   Doing everything in truth and love will keep you doing what is necessary in that moment for the best of your child/family.

That might just simply mean telling your child no.    Sometimes saying no can be the hardest thing you do.   Trust me it can often take everything in you to simply say, “no” and not enter the game of manipulation, the stronghold of lying/stealing/cheating, and all the things a child can do to have power and control in your home.   They are not ready or prepared for such power/control.  Nor should it be given to them.  When a child is fighting for it, it is because they don’t trust you have it.   So again, check yourself and how you act/react on a daily basis.  Is it in truth and love?   Are you leading them to healing or being stuck in the pain of their past because they are not safe to come out from under it?   Easy?  No way!  But if you truly want to see change in your home, then it is time to do the hard work and dig deep within yourself to be the parent this child(ren) needs.   Mourn the loss over the child you prayed for and hoped they would be.  Then dust yourself off and learn to embrace the child who stands before you desperately in need of truth and love!  

 

 

Sometimes I just want to remind parents that it is OK to be the MOM/DAD!  It is OK to say no to your child.  It is OK to not live for them.  It is OK to set up rules and boundaries that they must follow.   It is OK to take away cell phones at night and not give them back before they leave for school or work each day.  It is OK to NOT allow computer or internet access in their bedrooms.  It is OK to turn off the TV for a week, month, or gasp an entire year.  It is OK!   It is OK to say NO to things that everyone else is allowed to do and say.   It is OK!   It is OK to parent your child.  It really is OK!    It is OK to not give in when they act/react in a way that causes the entire family stress (in public and at home).   It is OK to remove all privileges until they have earned them back.  It is OK to teach your children to take responsibility for their choices – seek forgiveness, make things right, and pay back the cost of anything they have taken, broken, or misused!    It is OK to NOT parent out of guilt over the life a child had before they came into your family.  It is OK to NOT give them everything they want and to teach them having less is actually having more.  They came from nothing, having anything more than nothing is a gift and blessing.   The more you give, the more they have to take for granted.  The more the whole inside of them becomes because soon they realize that all the stuff will never dull the pain they brought with them.   Which opens the door to harder choices, bigger consequences and a vicious cycle of pain!   It is OK to say NO!

 

   

 

I will end this post with the following.  I didn’t think I could do all that I have shared with you.  I truly wanted to give up so many times along the way.  I wanted to give up 10 days ago.  I just couldn’t take another thing to deal with and work on.  Parenting is hard enough without the pain of adoption.   Parenting hurt children hurts.   There is no way around it.   But like I said the other day, I will NOT give up on our family having victory over this pain!   I was humbly reminded that this life is NOT about me.   It never will be.   It will always be about true love which sacrifices all for the good of another.   In my case it is ten other people (nine children and my husband).   They will get everything I have to give while I make sure I take the very best care of me!   Don’t forget to take care of you or you will never be able to face the mountains you must climb!

May this song bless you as it did me when I needed it most last week!  Hold strong to your faith friends and remember you are NOT alone!   

 

Friends please encourage your family and friends who have already walked through adoption by offering them your support without judgment.  Offer them rest in their storm.  Find ways to bless them.  Find ways to help them by telling them you are praying for them.   Stand in the gap when they are too weary and feel swallowed up by the reality they face.  Be their hands and feet.  We are all called to help the orphan (not to adopt – despite the constant deafening screams of so many!  Everyone should NOT adopt! God forbid! Please don’t adopt because your church is speaking about it every single month and many of your friends are now doing it.  ONLY adopt when you know that you know that you know God is calling both your spouse and yourself to do it!!  Then ensure you do everything in your power to prepare your heart and home for the reality of all that adoption brings with it!  Even that may not be enough for what you may face along the way!) – which means even after they have found their forever family.   Their true journey in this life often just begins when they have been separated from the only home they have ever known.   Remember they don’t know what a “normal” family in America looks or feels like.  To them it may not be a welcomed change or comfort.    It may take years for the old wounds to heal or it could take a lifetime.  However long it takes every single one of us is worth knowing truth and love! 

Counting the Cost of Adoption – {Good Parenting and Love is NOT Enough}

*I started this post over a month ago.  I now understand why I was unable to finish it.  More information was about to be revealed to me and I needed to truly grasp the depth of each word I’m about to share.  Because you truly can’t teach what you don’t fully know or haven’t lived yourself.  I am NOT anti-adoption.  Nor am I able to promote it like I once did.  Read on to understand.  If you can’t leave a comment in love, then please leave none at all.  These are just my opinions and experiences.  You are entitled to your own, just not here if not with compassion and seeking to understand!  With Mother’s Day coming up in two days, this post hits so close to home for me!  Before you continue reading this post take a moment to understand why LOVE IS VULNERABLE.

Over and over again I have thought, “did we really count the cost before adopting each of our children?”

The answer is no.

Nothing could have ever prepared us for what we would face.  Nothing.  

There is no book that can appropriately and fully describe the depth of pain a broken child can bring into your life. 

There are not enough honest and open conversations being had in the adoption community about the reality of raising a broken child and how much it will cost you:  physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

With seven internationally adopted children I feel pretty secure in our personal opinions on the subject.  What is the real cost of adopting a child?  And how exactly do you go about counting the cost realistically?

I have been around the adoption community for over eight years, with hundreds of friends around the U.S.A. who have walked through adoptions around the world!  Many of my friends have adopted more children than we have.   I share that not to boast, but to help you understand that this topic is not new to me and I take it very seriously.   So when I read this post, I knew it was time to dig a little deeper and share another perspective.   You may also want to read this post to get another rich perspective on the truth of adoption.  As well as this one.

I am not a professional adoption advocate, counselor, or anything of the sort.  I’m simply a mom who has gone through the valley and continues to fight her way up to the mountain top every single day with our adopted children.    And I will continue to press in and on until my last breath…hoping they will all find victory over their pasts that still haunts them each day.

First, when we began our adoption journey we knew nothing about the process, the ups and downs of adopting internationally vs. domestic, what countries were good to adopt from vs. which ones were corrupt (sorry but any country where children are being adopted has some level of corruption – including the USA!), how long we should expect an adoption to take, the cost to adopt a child (from the paperwork needed, fingerprints, doctor visits, many express mailings, agency fees, travel fees, items needed immediately for child, etc.), what the true story was on how they became an orphan, was the agency ethical and honest, were the people running the foster homes and orphanages taking the best care of the children, were they getting adequate nutrition, and what was their daily life really like??   We had ZERO clue.  

All we knew was that God had seriously tugged on our hearts to bring more children into our lives and we simply said, “yes”.    God doesn’t seem to do anything slowly with us.  Before we could literally breathe five years had past and seven children were added into our home and lives forever. 

Our adoption stories are filled with bumps, bruises, and betrayal.    I don’t know many adoptions that don’t have a similar experience to ours.   Sure there are the wonderful adoption stories you hear about where everything went perfectly, the agency did what they were hired to do, the child came home fairly quickly, and without any noticeable trauma from their past.   Those adoptions are far and few between.  

Why?  Because being abandoned, neglected, and rejected causes deep rooted pain for children.  Yes, even to babies who are way too young to vocalize what the loss has done to them.  Add in if they were abused and the damage it causes often takes years to be revealed to you.   Sometimes the damage done to them won’t surface until they are in their teens.   And when it does, it will rock your heart and world to the core; often leaving your life, home, and family changed forever.  

I can’t count how many times a broken child has broken a home.  

I can’t count how many times adoptive families have chosen to disrupt their adoption and place the child into another home forever. 

I can’t keep track of how many adoptions have needed respite for months to help the family breathe and regroup before the adopted child re-enters the home.   Often repeating this cycle many times. 

Sadly, I can’t keep track of how many marriages have been broken because of the stress the adopted child(ren) put on the marriage either. 

I’m not blaming the adopted children.  Actually I think the entire system is unfair to them.  It doesn't serve them well.  It does what it can, but too many children fall through the cracks.  Too many mistakes are made along the way.  The children suffer in the hands of unqualified caretakers.  They suffer in the hands of a system operating under the guise of looking out for their best interest.  They suffer at the hands of people who don’t truly care for them.   They suffer at the hands of people who know they can take advantage of the children and will never get caught.  And if they do, what really can or will be done?  

The entire system sets up false expectation on both parts.  Something is very wrong with the system.  Something is very wrong when the truth about the child’s past is being withheld from the prospective adoptive family.   There are so many things wrong with the adoption process, namely how prospective families and the child waiting to be adopted are informed/prepared for life together after the adoption.   The U.S. government relies on social workers to give a comprehensive and truthful history of the prospective families…yet, often times they miss or overlook very important things.  And who suffers?  The children.   They come home into families that are not prepared or qualified to meet the needs of the adoptive child.  The list of things that are wrong with the system would take me weeks if not months to go over.   

You can’t just take a child out of an orphanage and expect them to know or understand what it means to live in or be a part of a family.   You can’t just take a child living in a foster home and expect them to be prepared for it either.   Too often in international adoption the children are abused in both situations.  Too often this happens when they are very young.  Too often it goes unreported which opens the door for future children to be abused and entering the homes of unknowing families. 

I don’t claim to have all the answers.  But the lying must stop.  The deceit, greed, and mishandling of the children must stop.   We owe it to the 143 million orphans around the world to do better.  We owe it to every child who has been placed into a situation where they are abused emotionally and physically every single day.   We owe it to them to fix a system that has failed them time and time again.  We owe it to them because if we don’t find a way to protect them, the damage done to them only gets repeated.   The statistics rise and we become numb to the pain it causes so many.   

Here are just a few of the misperceptions about adoption that lead to many of the issues I mentioned above:

1. Most adoptive parents go into it truly believing the child will be just as happy as you are about adopting them.  (Sure there will be a honeymoon period when they first realize they are being set free from the hell in which they live. However, once that phase has passed and they feel safe to be who they really are…it can cost you more than time, patience, and love.)
2. Most adoptive parents believe that hearing the child is healthy will guarantee them a child without physical or emotional challenges after coming home.  
3. Most adoptive parents believe that with enough love the child will be fine and their past won’t really effect them.  They just need a family, a safe home, good nutrition, good parenting, and love. 
4. Most adoptive parents believe that the hardest part of the process is being separated from the child and not being able to take care of them while they wait to become a “family”. 
5. Most adoptive parents believe that if they adopt a baby the risks will be less for issues once home.  The risks are less but there is NEVER a guarantee that the child will be easy, healthy, or without severe challenges as time goes on.

When prospective adoptive parents contact me and ask me to share about our adoptions, my words are few and filled with truths that I pray they listen to and take very seriously!

“Congratulations!  Prepare your heart now as best you can for a journey that will blow your mind in every way possible through a life not grown in your womb, but in your heart.   Prepare yourself to sacrifice everything.   Prepare yourself that parenting an adopted child will make you look at the world through a whole new set of eyes.  Prepare yourself to be stared at, ridiculed, and judged for being a different color than your child(ren).   Prepare yourself for the questions that will come from family, friends, strangers, and eventually your child(ren).   Prepare yourself for the often horrendous and stupid things people will say to you in front of your child, or worse yet, directly to your child.   Prepare yourself to be stretched so thin that without faith you will surely break.  Prepare yourself for the reality that you might struggle to bond, like, and love your adopted child.  Prepare yourself that your child may struggle to bond, like, and love you!  Prepare yourself that you must celebrate every success you achieve along the way, because you will need them to live through what seem like failure after failure!  Prepare yourself to forgive more than you thought possible, to love deeper than you imagined you could, to fight for things you never thought you would care about, and to become more humble with every single day that passes.   Adoption is the greatest blessing and the hardest journey you will ever take.  So walk wisely with your eyes and heart wide open, willing to accept everything that comes your way.   If you cannot do that, then please support those who will and have.”

My favorite quote and reminder about adoption is the following!!!

 

If only every orphan could ask this question before they were adopted, “will you love me as I feel safe enough to let go of the baggage I am bringing with me?”  And, “will you help me to feel safe to never want to carry it again?”

 

I get asked this question so often, “How do you do it?”  It’s a reasonable question to ask a mother of nine.   I truly can’t take much credit.  Yes, I do the work day in and day out.  Yes, I push through the impossible stages they have gone through and will continue to go through for years to come.  But I know that it is His grace, mercy, and love that has held it all together.  Even now as I doubt His presence in our circumstances, I know the truth.  The truth is, He is right here and will do everything that He set out to do from the moment we said yes to adopt each of our children, He will redeem them and shower them with His healing grace and love!  He never asked that of me/us.   He simply asked me to be His hands and feet.  I must remember that.  I’m simply a tool being used by the Master craftsman.   He has give me the strength to persevere and I must not give up.   He has given me the courage to face this situation and I will not back down from it until the pain has become a distant memory! 

My answer to that question has changed through the years because we walked through many valleys filled with pain and despair.   With this many internationally adopted children we seem to experience long deep valleys where pain breathes and rages like an endless fire.  Together we continue to learn how to withstand the heat and walk steadily through it.  Running away may be awfully appealing at times, but it will never extinguish their heart cry for peace, joy, hope, and love!   Only faith can do that.   Only God can supply it.     

Here is how I answered that question the other day…

“Day by day. Moment by moment. That is how I'm taking life right now. I'm counting the cost of adoption and how it has changed my life. As a mother. As a woman. As a human. I struggle to finish the post I started three weeks ago with the heaviness of each day. I never imagined that my words would have such truth filled in them. Nor did I ever imagine that I would be living out all that I have prayed about for others the last eight years. I started a blog Adoption is Forever over three years ago. But only a few read it...so I stopped blogging there. I may not blog there but I am living proof that NO matter what adoption is forever. No matter how many times I have wanted to quit, give up, be done with all that breaks my heart and soul. A child needs to know in the depth of their soul that you do NOT think they are easily disposable. I am beyond blessed to walk on this journey with a man of integrity and a love so rich, that he never gives up on me and pushes me beyond what I desire or feel.  He never allows me to act from my raw emotions.  He helps me to move through them and past them.   He is the reason we have never walked through disruption.   He is the reason our family is still whole.  Because if it were up to my feelings along the way, we would have a very different story to tell.   He never discredits my feelings either.  He simply shows me how they are not in the best interest of the child or our family in the long run.  He has never let me give up on them or myself.  He believes in my ability to love big, even when I feel everything but love.   When I don't feel it, I fake it until I make it. Sometimes that has taken years.  Sometimes it takes a moment.  Right now I have no idea how long it will take.  I just know adoption is forever.  I know I must forgive completely once again.  I know that I know that I know - a broken child needs more than great parents and love.  Sorry to all who believe that is all they need.  If that were true, then our lives would have a very different story to tell and the journey wouldn’t feel so cumbersome.  Your prayers are keeping me going and when I forget my way I think of these wise words... "It may feel horrible right now and seem impossible. It won't always feel this way and because of your inner strength to dig deep into your faith - your family will not only make it, but come out VICTORIOUS!" Yes, my friends I'm pressing in and on towards VICTORY! That is what a mother does. She never gives up on her children. Even when they have completely given up on themselves.”

I have walked through the valley of resentment, bitterness, exhaustion, and please take this circumstance away from me – NOW!!!!  I have questioned God more times in the last three years than I care to admit.  I have felt trapped, burdened, and even hopeless that our home would never feel the peace it once did.  I have walked through guilt, shame, and convinced myself several times that I was a complete failure as a mom. 

I have also walked on the mountain tops of joy, victory, and hope!    Even now walking through the hardest parenting season of my life, I refuse to let the YUCK of this situation win.   I refuse to let the enemy of my soul and theirs have victory or power over our lives!   We will do what we have always done, and that is to trust in God even when nothing makes sense.  We will not rely on our ability to fix or change things.  Because we know now more than ever before, our good parenting and love has never been enough!   We will rely on His love to heal the broken places deep within them that our love has never touched and never will.   We will pray they grab tightly to Him and allow His unending love for them to breathe life into the broken places that holds them so tightly to their pasts. 

 

 

You see love like this is messy and challenging,

it stains the soul,

rips at the skin,

leaves you breathless,

and will cause you to live out your faith like nothing else ever could!

But it takes more than time, money, patience, wisdom, discernment, and trying to control it all. 

Because you can’t have control.   That is what so many adoptive parents want from the beginning.  The ability to control the journey.   They long to have things go their way.  They long to be in the drivers seat.   They long to be navigating through the mounds of heartache along the way.   They want what they want, when and how they want it.   This has never produced the best for the child or the adoption community.   It continues to eat away at every fiber of goodness left within the system.   It forces the hand of those just trying to do their job.   It forces those in charge around the world to take bribes, pay off people to get documents signed or forged.  It forces those in charge to keep paying off birth parents to relinquish their children.   Yes, it does.   You can choose to believe whatever you want.  But the reality is this, until everyone stops trying to control the life of an orphan, the orphan will never be safe!    A child is NOT a commodity.   A child is NOT to be bought and sold.  They are to be given a chance to be raised in their own country, with their parents, and community.   We must stop feeding their villages fish, and instead teach them to fish for themselves.   We must try to keep every child possible with their birth families – even in America.   When a child is rejected, neglected, or abandoned, we MUST do everything we can to ensure their safety and needs are met without further damaging them.   We are responsible for the brokenness we abhor.   

It is time we all count the cost of adoption.  

It is time we all count the cost of raising a child who has been damaged by the very system meant to protect them.

It is time we all count the cost of not coming together to help those who have sacrificed everything to adopt a child.

It is time we all count the cost of a life and placing the appropriate value upon it…PRICELESS!

Until we do…their voices are silenced and their hope is distinguished.

The one thing I want our children to know more than any other thing is this…

 

Until they fully grasp and believe in the reality of those words, their minds will count them anything but worthy of the cross! It is our job as their parents to do everything possible to redeem what was once stolen from them.  It is our job to do everything in our power to help them find healing for their heart and souls.   It is our job to ensure they know that they know that they know, adoption is forever!  

When a child can no longer safely live in your home, ensure they know they will always live in your heart.  I know there are times where it is best and safest for all involved that the child moves on, but please ensure they know they are forgiven and loved no matter where they end up.  Knowing their life has value even in the midst of so much pain, could be the very thing that helps them to heal and allow God to work in their hearts forever!

I leave you with one last beautiful quote about adoption…

 

It took this quote to remind me why I said “yes” seven times to adopt and why I can’t allow myself to ever think anything less than this…adoption is forever!   In a world that disposes of everything so easily, our children must learn that even when they mess up and they must own the consequences caused by their poor choices, we will NOT walk away and tell them once again they weren’t worth the heartache to love.   We will never stop telling them they are our child and that means forever!   

Counting the cost of adoption takes more than being a good parent and lots of love!  

It takes more than you have to give, and yet, requires no more than faith of a mustard seed.